Reduce meal time battles through division of responsibility
Wouldn’t it be great to reduce the stress of mealtimes and the battles over food? Last month we introduced the idea of mindful eating as well as the idea of the division of responsibility. This concept can take a lot of the stress and fighting out of mealtimes, so we’re going to dive a bit deeper into this topic.
Here is the key: The responsibility of the parent is to determine what, when, and where children eat. It’s the child’s responsibility to determine whether they eat and how much they eat.
I love how simple this idea is. It allows for clearly defined boundaries that also allow kids to learn how to become intuitive eaters themselves. We will go into greater detail on the what, when, where, whether, and how much topics later, but I would like to highlight a few reasons this method is so helpful in relation to complaints I hear from parents.
- “I have to be a short order cook to get my kids to eat.” Not anymore! When kids know that Mom and/or Dad are in charge of what is being provided at each meal, they can focus on choosing to eat or not (the whether) or deciding how much to eat. You don’t have to spend hours in the kitchen or relegate yourself to the same two meals every day! However, if kids know that they can sometimes determine the what of what food is provided, they react like any of us and enjoy flexing that power! Who wouldn’t want to have pancakes breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! Standing firm and providing healthy, enjoyable choices allows for a win-win where your kid still has choices (whether and how much) but doesn’t enslave you as the short order cook.
- “My child only wants to eat junk food.” Umm, if we’re honest with ourselves, deep down we probably all do! Luckily as adults we have a little more experience, knowledge and self discipline than kids have yet. We understand that eating only junk food every day makes us feel bad and can lead to health problems down the road. Kids can learn this lesson too through experience. That is why having a healthy mix of nutritious foods along with some fun “sometimes” foods (a more descriptive term for junk foods for kids) allows kids to enjoy experiencing foods and the consequences they bring. Adults, you control the what (the mix of everyday nutritious and “sometimes” foods) and when (how often the “sometimes” foods happen). Kids will learn how their bodies feel with these foods and be able to make wiser decisions when they are adults and can control all of the questions related to food.
- “It seems like my kids are always snacking, but then never eat at their meals.” This is often a case of kids trying to control the when of eating. While this is appropriate for infants, kids do not have the skills to control this when it comes to snacks. If allowed to snack freely, kids will often fill up on these snacks and understandably not feel hungry for meals. Controlling the when of your child’s eating through appropriate timing of snacks and meals will ensure your kid gets the nutrients they need and learn to recognize their own hunger and fullness cues.
- “My kid will starve if I allow him to choose whether to eat or not!” This is a very valid fear parents have when they are first presented with this idea of division of responsibility. Now, barring any unusual health circumstances or sensory issues (please talk with a registered dietitian, occupational therapist or speech pathologist if there are other issues going on), you do not have to worry about this! If the division of responsibility has not been appropriately meted in your house up to this point, expect some exercising of the whether and how much! But your child will not starve and will settle into the security that you will always be holding up your end (what, when, and where) and they can hold up theirs (whether and how much). This allows for a respectful atmosphere at meals where kids know that they will be respected for the choices they are allowed to make and you will be too.
Trust your child that they can learn these valuable skills and trust yourself too! These are hard skills to learn, but can greatly simplify mealtimes and bring peace back to the dinner table. We will be going into more detail in the months to come on each of these topics, but please let me know what questions and concerns you have in the mean time!